Without you I grow weaker
by GlamWriter
Summary: Adam and Tommy were friends before they become lovers. After their break-up they try to be friends again. Can they turn back the hands of time?  Adommy.
1. Chapter 1: Downfall of love

**Without you I grow weaker**

_"__Everywhere that I go__  
><em>_I see another memory__  
><em>_And all the places we used to know__  
><em>_They're always there to haunt me__  
><em>_I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely__  
><em>_You're everything that I want__  
><em>_But you don't want me"_

_**Adam Lambert, Sleepwalker**_

**Chapter ****1: Downfall of love **

Tommy doesn't really know when it started. And he doesn't know if he ever had a chance to stop it from becoming so huge and ugly that he couldn't pretend everything would be alright anymore. And now it's an issue. And this issue is not a good one. And he doesn't know how to get over it. How to change it. How to get back to that feeling he had at the beginning. That easy, warm and nice feeling. And he is just sad and tired and lost. Somewhere on their road he just got lost. Like an umbrella someone forgot to take back home when the rain stopped. For sure, the forgotten umbrella will be missed, but not until the next rain will come.

He really doesn't know when it happend. But he was suddenly watching himself struggling and trying to breathe everytime he was doing Adam a favor. Everytime he was with Adam on a red carpet. Everytime he was willing to join him doing interviews. Everytime they showed up in the public. All cameras on Adam. All paparrazzi shouting for Adam.

Because nobody really cares about Tommy. And he is standig behind Adam and he is waiting for him. Like Adams shadow. And he was sure he would get used to be the attachment without an own public identity. Just the boyfriend of Adam Lambert. Someone whose name the most people forget. That's why they introduce him as Adams boyfriend. Without his name. He tried so hard to please everyone, to please Adam by doing this whole smiling-though-your-heart-is-aching-thing. But he knows that now he is at a point he just can't handle it anymore. And he doesn't know what to do to stop the pain caused by feeling lost.

And Adam hasn't really noticed yet that Tommy was feeling that way. Because Tommy doesn't tell him and he doesn't show him. He is wearing a mask to hide behind. And once again he is accompanying Adam to an important event to meet some people. Important for Adam. So Adam is in the middle of the crowd. Enjoying himself and the people around him. And while he is laughing at some lame jokes, Tommy is feeling so lonely in the mid of all those people. His head starts to spin and suddenly he has enough. He just wants to leave. He wants to be home in his bed, alone. By himself. He doesn't even want to have Adam around.

So he keeps backing away from all the people while he is taking the last sip out of his glass. His tie is throttling him. He tries to get it off, but it seems like it's getting worse. He needs some fresh air. He feels sweaty and hot. And in that moment Adams eyes find his eyes and he is asked with a look if he is ok. That's when he is losing it, because he has enough and no, he is not ok. He is anything else but ok. He turns around and runs out of the fucking club. And he feels like he must choke. The air outside is not that fresh as he hoped it would be. It's just hot and sticky. Finally he manages to get the fucking tie off of his neck and then he opens the buttons of his chemise and keeps walking away. And then he can hear the door swing open and Adam is right behind him. He catches Tommy with his big hands. And it's like the first time that Tommy hates that he is that small. He feels almost fragile. He closes his eyes for a second and then Adam is right in front of him. Tommy is trying his best to blink the tears away. He doesn't even know when he started to cry.

"Tommy, what's wrong?" Adam looks down at Tommy with worry in his eyes. He cups Tommys face with his hands and sees the tears in Tommys eyes. "Adam, I don't know if I can handle it any longer." Adam is confused and a bad feeling is creeping up his body. He whispers. "What do you mean?" Tommy tries to catch his breath to be able to steady his voice. "Adam, I love you, I really do. And I don't know why I'm acting now like that. But I feel like I am getting lost in this relationship. I am losing myself in you. It doesn't feel like it would be still me here. There is emptiness. I feel like I'd disapear. Piece by piece. And you... You don't even notice it." Tommys voice is now both: sad and angry. And Tommy can't believe that he can still keep it low.

Adam drops his hands. He seems confused and unable to cope. His voice is full of despair. "Can we talk about it at home, later?" But Tommy shakes his head. "No, we can't. I can't. Because I've been waiting far too long to talk to you. And I was hoping you would see that I am struggling. But you don't. And I know I shouldn't blame you for that at all. But a part of me wants to hurt you. Because you are my boyfriend und you don't see that I am dying here. In our relationship is no space left for me to breathe. No space to exist." Now there is just anger left in Tommys voice. He is angry about himself but also about Adam. And he does what he wants the most right now: he hurts Adam. And he does it just by saying the truth. His truth. He knows that he is not really fair, because it's mostly his own fault that things are like that. But something inside of him stops that thought and Tommy is just angry with Adam.

Trying to calm down Adam can feel tears forming in his eyes. "Tommy, what are you telling me?" Tommy sighs. Tears are now running down his cheeks. "I am telling you, that I feel lost. And I don't want to feel like that. There is no space left for me to be me. There is always you. I am not myself. I am just the man on your side. And it's ok, most of the time it really is. But sometimes I want to be just me. Not the boyfriend of Adam Lambert. I want to be Tommy Joe again." Tommy whispers the last words. He is exhausted. "Tommy, what can I do?" Adam is in despair. He tries to catch Tommys hands. To hold him. But Tommy pulls away.

"Adam, just... just let me go. I can't bear it right now. I just need to get some time and space for me." Adam is crying now as well. "Tommy, do you break up with me?" His voice is broken and Tommy shrugs. "I don't know, maybe... I can't believe it myself, but... I don't know if I can be with you anymore. Not like that. I am sorry." Tommy takes a deep breath and looks up with sadness in his eyes. "Yes, I do." Then he turns around and runs away. Adam is left behind. Broken. He can't say anything. He is just standing there. Tears are running down his cheeks. And then he feels someone standing behind him. "Hey, come here!" And he lets himself fall in the warm embrace of Brad. And he is crying on his shoulder.

It's late when Adam arrives at their place. It seems like Tommy wouldn't be there. There is only darkness. He goes over to the bedroom. Most of Tommys clothes are still there, he took only some pieces out. He also took his teethbrush and his cosmetics. The whole place is now so much emptier. And Adam feels suddenly just lonely. He walks over to the kitchen to get some water. He switches the light on and jumps back at the sight of Tommy sitting in the dark kitchen. "What the hell, Tommy!" He is pressing a hand against his chest and breathing hard. "Sorry." Tommy whispers. "I wanted to be gone when you arrive, but I just couldn't go away. It wouldn't have been right." Adam sits down in a chair. He feels like they'd be miles apart although their legs are almost in contact. "Tommy..." He starts, but Tommy interrupts him. "No, Adam, don't say anything. I can't stay. I have to go to find myself again." Tommy is crying. "I am sorry, I really am. But I can't stay." Adam wants so badly to reach out and touch Tommy. But he doesn't. Instead he is crying now as well.

"I want you to know that I love you. I really do. But it's just not enough." Tommys voice is just a whisper. "But why isn't it enough? What do you miss? What can I do?" Adam is really in despair, trying hard not to shout at Tommy. "You can't change the circumstances. Your life is like it is and I thought I could fit in it, but I can't. I am not happy. And I should be. There is nothing you can change." Tommy gets up. "I will go now. We will find a way to handle it. I will get my stuff in the next days, when I know where I can stay." Adam nods, unable to speak. Tommy stands in front of him. He wants so bad to take Adam in his arms, but it would be wrong. It would hurt them both. So he just turns around and leaves the kitchen. As soon as the frontdoor shuts behind Tommy, Adam breaks down.

Adam is sitting at their kitchen table. No, it's just his table. He is alone again. A single. And he tries to get over the fact that Tommy won't be back in the next minutes or hours. He will never be back again.

It has been two weeks now since Tommy left him. And somehow he begins to feel better. That's what he is keeping saying to himself, like a mantra: it's getting better. But in fact it doesn't get better, it gets worse. He misses Tommy. It's like his home isn't a home anymore. Because Tommy made it a home and now, it's just a house, an empty and a cold house. And everything reminds him of happy days with Tommy.

He gets advices from his friends how to deal with it. But it doesn't help at all. One of his friends even texts him: "When you love someone let them go, when they come back to you they are yours, if not they never were." And he thinks what a fucking wisdom. He never wanted to let Tommy go. He didn't want to test their relationship. He was happy with Tommy. But he wasn't asked. Tommy made his decision and left him. And now everything is just dark and sad.

But somehow it is getting better. He can breathe again. And this is a big step forward. And he stopped to text Tommy. The first days he texted him like every hour. Tommy texted him back but not everytime. When Adam sent too many messages Tommy called him. And Adam was happy to hear his voice, Tommy tried to make it better for him. And Adam knew he was acting like a diva, but he was just helpless. About two days ago he stopped texting to Tommy. And since then he was proud about every hour he didn't text.

To be honest, he didn't stop out of his own will. He stopped because Tommy moved on. 40 hours and 15 minutes ago Tommy called him after Adam sent him about 20 messages in 10 minutes. Adam could hear a party in the background and laughter. And Tommys voice was nerved: "Adam, I can't help you. You have to figure it out by yourself. You have to let me go, when you want to keep my as a friend. I am trying to get over you too. Please, let me go." After that call Adam decided that he won't contact Tommy any more. He would wait until Tommy would contact him. And his heart broke a little more because obviously Tommy was able to have fun without him. And this was hurting him more than he wanted to admit to himself.

Tommy trembles after the call. He wanted to forget the whole drama and went to the housewarming party from a friend. And Adam had chosen this evening to sent him tones of messages. He decided to call Adam to stop him. He felt guilty but also angry. Why didn't Adam see how much the break-up was hurting him too? He was sad and he was afraid about the consequences. He wanted to keep Adam as his friend. They wanted both to stay friends. They wanted to work together. They just have to find a way to get through the first weeks.

They will survive. But right now Tommy is hurt. They are both hurt. They need time to get over it. Time to heal. Why doesn't Adam see that?

It's strange to meet again. They haven't seen each other for six weeks and still it's hard. After all the tears both of them had to cry. But they want to keep their friendship. They were friends before they became lovers. They want to go back there. Neither of them can imagine a life without the other. So they want to try and find a way back. They meet at Tommys place. They want to have some drinks together and just talk about things. About the next album, the next tour. Not about them at all.

But somehow they end up talking about them. Maybe it's necessary. It's calm and sad. But it's a good talk at all. Maybe they should have talked more before their ways driftedapart. But there is no fighting for them anymore. They don't talk to find a possibility to get back together. They talk to find a possibility to become friends again. It's hard and it hurts. And there are things between them they will have to leave unspoken. It would be needful to speak about them, if they wanted to stay a couple, but they don't. For keeping their friendship is no need to talk things out. Maybe in the future, when things will be calmer. When the memory of them as lovers will fade away.

So Tommy doesn't say Adam how lonely he was in their relationship. Or how much the media invaded his life. Those thoughts will be left unspoken. And Adam doesn't talk about his feelings. Because he feels like he has destroyed their relationship because he didn't care enough about Tommys needs. He didn't see that Tommy was suffocating on his side. He is ashamed because he thought they were both happy. But he is also angry because he never had a chance to fix the relationship. Tommy didn't say anything until it was too late. Adam doesn't say anything about it. They just talk about some nice memories and about Tommy getting the rest of his stuff from their former place. And somehow they find a way to laugh together again. Maybe the alcohol is working on them.

And after a while they find themselves in a talk about sex. Their sex was always great. And Tommy hears himself talking about how much he enjoyed that Adam was able to let go when they had sex. "You are always such a control freak. But when I touched you, you were just enjoying and this was so hot." Adam is blushing slightly. "Yeah, I know what you mean. It was like we were in a safe place where I didn't have to think about everything. You made it easy for me to let go." And he sips on his beer. He smiles at the memory. And then his thoughts are drifting away. "What do you think about?" Tommy asks him after a few minutes. "Nevermind, it's nothing important. In fact it's stupid. Forget it." He looks down on his fingers. And Tommy punches him slightly on his arm. "Come on. Just tell me." Adam sighs but he starts to talk.

"You know, the worst thing about breaking up is, that you don't know it will happen, until it happens." He looks up at Tommy. "And because you don't know about that, you don't know when you have sex the last time before the break-up, that this IS actually the last time. And that's what I think about now. I mean, if I knew that it would have been our last time, I would have enjoyed it more. I would have taken more time. And now in my memory there will be always this last time when we didn't even get fully undressed and I fucked you against the wall in our, I mean in my hall. And it's kind of sad." Adam gets up to get another drink. "Adam, wait." Tommy moves closer to him. Adams heart misses a beat while Tommy is cupping his face in his hands. "Maybe we could make a new memory of our last sex?" Adam looks confused down in Tommys eyes. "What do you mean?" Tommy starts to caress Adams face. "We could have once again sex. The last time. Just to say goodbye."

Adam stares in Tommys eyes. "I don't think that would be a good idea." But Tommy ignores him and pulls Adam closer to meet his lips for a passionate kiss. And Adams mind is shouting to stop this. But his body and his heart are yearning for Tommy. And hey, it's the last time, what could go wrong? He is already hurt, it can't get worse. So he mutes the warning voice out.

And he lets Tommy pull him to his bed. They strip out of their clothes on their way there. And they both can't stop thinking about how much they missed each other. But they don't say it loud. They don't talk, they just touch and kiss. And it's so intimate to feel each other again. And so good. Like reading a well known book for the hundredth time. You know what you can expect, but still you will find something new in it. And they take their time kissing and touching every part of their bodies. And there is no hesitation in their movements. It's timeless. And it doesn't feel like goodbye at all. It's like welcome back, where have you been for so long. And then Tommy is sitting in Adams lap, his back close to Adams chest. And he can feel Adams cock deep inside of him, while Adam is kissing his neck. And he is pressing his back against Adams chest for even more contact. He turns his head and they are kissing again. Wet and hot. And it's really good and then they both are coming almost at the same time. And they feel the other one trembling through the waves of pleasure. Until it's over.

The silence is awkward afterwards. It's screaming in their faces. And Tommy pretends he fell asleep while they are laying on his bed. A part of him is hoping Adam would stay there for a while and would hold him tight. But another part of him wants Adam to leave as soon as possible. Because he realizes now that it was a mistake. And not just a small one. He knows he will regret it. It's when he can feel Adam move out of the bed. He is leaving. Tommy opens his eyes long time after Adam is gone. He sits up and looks around for his clothes. Then he sees the note Adam wrote for him. He stares at the paper, not able to get up to read it. He is scared, because there is nothing Adam could say him to make this whole thing better now. And anything he wrote will be wrong and right at the same time.

After some minutes he finds the guts to get up to read it. He takes the paper with him to the living room. He will for sure need a drink to be able to read it. He pours himself a glass whiskey and drinks it all at once. It takes him another glass of whiskey to be able to sit down to read the note.

_Tommy! _

_It was a bad idea. I am sorry, but I am still not over you. And today you reminded me of what we had. And I miss you so much. But I will really try to be a friend. I want to be your friend. And friends don't have sex. Let us make this one rule: we are friends without benefits. No exceptions! _

_Because if that will happen again it will kill me. Because I still love you…_

_Adam_

Tommy wipes a tear away. "And I love you too, that's why it happened." And he writes a text to Adam.

_I accept the rule. I am sorry. And I miss you too._

But before he sends the massage he deletes the last part.

He is still amazed about the sex. Tommy felt so good. And it was so intense. And he wanted it to last forever. He was holding back as long as he could. And he saved every memory of every little detail, every small touch and every sound, just everything. And he was inhaling Tommys scent. He knew it was the last time and he wanted to enjoy it as much as he could. And he managed it to forget how broken his heart was and how much it hurt to know that it was the last time.

As soon as it was over he knew that it will get bad for him. And he misses Tommy more than before and he knows that the sex took him several steps back to the end. And now he is back in his bed. And he can smell Tommy on him and he knows he should shower to get rid of it. It would be a way better to do this now. But he is not able to get up. He is so exhausted. He knows he will have to change the bedclothes the next day, but he doesn't care. Now he wants just to hold on to Tommy. Just for tonight. He knows he will be better again tomorrow. But right now he feels just like he won't be able to breathe again without Tommys smell on him. It calms him and makes him safe. And his loneliness is a little bit easier to handle. And when he closes his eyes he can still see Tommys face in front of him. His lips are swollen from kissing. He can still feel Tommys skin under his fingertips.

And for the first time since they broke up he can really sleep.

They next day is hard. Adam wakes up and even if he can smell Tommy he knows he is alone. And he refuses to open his eyes. He wants to stay in his dreamland. With Tommy. But he knows there is a new life waiting for him. A life without Tommy. They are friends now, nothing more. And he has to get over Tommy to be able to be a friend. And he can only imagine how hard it will be to become a friend after it was hard to admit being more than friends just one year ago. He opens his eyes with a groan. And he forces himself to get up from his bed. And then he is just acting. He changes the bedclothes and he takes off his clothes. Everything goes to the laundry. Every move he does is controlled and sober. Every feeling he might have is buried deep in his soul. But when he steps in his shower and the water begins to wash Tommy down from his skin, he can't hold back anymore. And he is sitting in the shower for about 20 minutes and he is crying while the water takes the last reminds of Tommy off of him. And he wishes his pain could be washed away the same way.

The days go by. And Adam is still proud about every day and on some days about every hour he doesn't text Tommy. His messages are not about them anymore. He just needs the connection. And Tommy is answering now everytime. And Tommy sends him also messages. And they tweet again. But they never talk about that last time. Somehow life is becoming easier day by day.

They don't see each other as often as they could or as they did before they were lovers. It's still hard to be around the other one. There is still something between them. And they both know they should have talked about what went wrong between them before they broke up. But they missed the chance and now it seems to be too late. They want to be friends again and they don't want to take the baggage from the relationship to their friendship. So they suffer both in silence. Still asking the same questions in their own minds and they stay without answers. They are both not happy but they are ok. At least most of the time.

Tommy got the rest of his stuff from Adam. And he puts all the gifts, the pictures, the letters, the personal stuff he got from Adam in a box. He doesn't open the box. But he doesn't put it away. The box is under his bed. He doesn't even know why. Maybe just to remind himself that he was once the boyfriend of Adam Lambert. To remind himself that he broke up because he was not happy. And that he wanted to be happy again, he wanted to find himself again.

But even after three months he has still no clue who he was now. He didn't want to be just the man on Adams side. But what was he now? Adams ex, Adams bassist, Adams songwriter. And this is not really better than being called Adams boyfriend. This is worse. But what he had forgotten during his relationship with Adam was that for Adam he was always Tommy Joe. For Adam he was never a shadow. He was his partner, his friend and his home. And he didn't see it that way while he was with Adam. He just saw how the other people saw him. People who didn't know him, people who were not important for him. They were not part of his life. They were strangers. And he couldn't get his head wrapped about the fact that he let strangers make him feel lonely and uncomfortable. At the end of the day it shouldn't have to matter that much than it did. He should have been happy about what Adam thought about him. And his family and his friends. Because for those people he was always Tommy Joe.

When did he lost himself and why? When will he see himself as Tommy Joe again?

Six month after Tommy moved out, things changed. They had found a way to be something almost like friends. They worked together. And they could stay in a room alone without thinking about dragging the other one to the next available bed. Things were calm between them. Somehow almost good.

And then Tommy didn't come back from his vacation.


	2. Chapter 2: There is no getting over you

**Without you I grow weaker**

"_Picture perfect memories,  
>Scattered all around the floor.<br>Reaching for the phone cause, I cant fight it anymore.  
>And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.<br>For me it happens all the time." _

_**Lady Antebellum - Need you now**_

**Chapter 2: ****There is no getting over you**

Tommy was thinking about a vacation since they broke up. Just having some free days on a beach. Maybe meet someone just for fun. First of all he wanted to get time to think about himself and what a chaos his life had become. But he didn't have time for vacation until the album was finished. Adam had some promotion stuff to do and Tommy and the other band members were finished for now. They wanted to go back together in about two months to prepare the tour.

So Tommy is planning a vacation the day after he walked out of the recording studio. He was searching on internet for a good place to go. He knew he would need a place where it was warm and where he could be lazy but also able to have some adventures. So after checking about a million different pages he found the place he wanted to go to: Trinidad, near Maracas Bay. He loves the pictures of Trinidad. It seems to be a place where there won't be crowds of people. He needs some personal space. He finds a hotel and gets on the plane a few days later. He wants to stay there for 2 weeks. Just to find himself again. He hopes he will be able to do that.

He doesn't say goodbye to Adam before he is leaving, because he said goodbye as he left the studio. So Adam knows he will be on holidays and he knows that Tommy will be back to make the tour. And Tommy doesn't even know where Adam is. So he twitters to the world:

_I am officially on holiday and out of here right now!_

He doesn't know if he wants to tweet from holidays. Maybe an internet break is a good idea.

Tommy is amazed when he steps out of the plane. The country is beautiful and he can't wait to see the beach. He is not really into being in sunshine, but the beach here is just amazing and the water is soooo blue. He just can't stay away. After getting the room keys he rushes to his room and is still amazed. He has a beautiful view to the sea and for almost one hour he is just sitting on his balcony and watching. And out of nowhere he is wishing Adam could see it. And before he can think about it he snaps a pic and sends it to Adam. "That's how my view will be for the next two weeks." After a few minutes he gets a message back: "Enjoy yourself!" He smiles and leans back in the deck chair.

After some resting he decides to discover his hotel and the neighbourhood. He enjoys the feeling of being out of schedule. He finds some information papers about the sightseeing here. He will read it later in the evening and maybe plan something he could do in a few days. The hotel pool is beautiful and he finds also some hidden corners in the garden. And finally he is sitting in the pool bar, sipping on some fruity coctail, just because he is on vacation. And he is enjoying himself.

On the third day in Trinidad Tommy is able to give in to the thinking-about-me-plan. He lets his thoughts go back to the time before he met Adam. He had a really shitty job and a dream. A dream of music, of writing, of being someone. With Adam this dream came true and his life changed in a rapid speed from normal to over the top. And there was Adam, making things so easy and so real. When he met Adam they had this connection and shortly they become good friends. The time they had together as friends was just crazy. They were on tour all over the world. Tommy was living his dream and his best friend was on his side. And he met new friends. People who will be there for life.

Somewhere on the tour he and Adam become more. Maybe it happend when his father got sick, maybye after he died. It was a hard time for Tommy and Adam was always there. Without being asked and without any expectations. He was just there. On one of these nights full of talking and cuddling Tommy fell in love with Adam. After fighting against it and pretending just being friends they got finally together.

Tommy sighs. He is sitting on his balcony, watching over the sea and thinking about the first months with Adam. Adam was his first boyfriend, maybe even the first person he really was in love with. He really IS in love with, to be honest. And Adam was amazing. He was patient when it was needfull, but also strong and demanding when Tommy was too hesitant. Always the perfect mix. And Tommy was falling deeper and deeper. They managed it to be together the first months without having the public eye on them. There were just a few pictures of them in papers. And after six month Tommy gave up his own place and they moved together. And everything seemed to be good until Tommy lost his mind and ran away.

And he really doesn't know when or why it happened. He felt really lost. There was suddenly so much around them. Every day new people, new places, new pics, new rumours. And Tommy was not able to handle all the pressure. Everything was new. Not only was he in a serious relationship for the first time since ages. This relationship was the one which forced him to come out and admit that he was in love with a man. And on the top of everything the man he loved was a famous one. Tommy was under media control before they were a couple. But after they become a couple it felt like it would be different. Out of nowhere Tommy felt like there was no place where they could go without being seen. Like there were always cameras in his face and people yelling Adams name.

Tommy is not somebody who wants attantion every minute of the day. He needs his own space, time to be on his own. Being stalked the whole day tired him out. But it was not Adams fault. It was the buisness. It brought the madness in his life.

He can see now that all the fears he had were crazy. Adam was always there for him. He protected him as much as he could. He was never talking about details from their life. He didn't push Tommy to any confessions or anything else. He was always caring. Tommy can see it now and he understands. But he didn't see it a half year ago. He panicked and ran away throwing all the bullshit on Adam. He broke Adams heart for nothing at all. And he broke his own heart as well.

Because everything what he felt was not really there. Everything that made him run away didn't exist. It was not real. It was just his stupid imagination and his stupid fears. He realizes now that he was searching for a reason to dump Adam. To hurt him so he would give up trying to keep Tommy. But it didn't work out. Adam wanted to stay with Tommy and he would have never broken up. So Tommy had to do it by himself. And he did. And he is now realizing that this might have been the biggest mistake in his life. No, he knows now, that WAS the biggest mistake! And he wants to turn back the hands of time. Change his own words, his own decisions. Get Adam back.

Finally he is ready to admit that he was running away from the relationship. He got scared because it was so real and so close. And Adam was everything for him. Yes, he felt lost. But it was because he changed. The former Tommy doesn't exist anymore. That's what people do when they are in a serious relationship: they grow together and they change. They become together something better and stronger. Of course it is scary to give up a part of you. And you can get hurt, but in the end it's the best thing that can happen to you. Tommy has found the one person who was made for him. He knows now that he won't be happy without Adam. He also knows there is no getting back to who he was before he met Adam. This person doesn't exist anymore.

Yes, he wants Adam back.

And he hopes it's not to late.

After a few days he met a couple. Tracy and Rick are about his age. They start to talk on one evening when Tommy is sitting at the bar. He was so deep buried in his thoughts of Adam, that he didn't see them first when they sit down next to him. But then Tracy starts to laugh and there is something in this laugh that reminds him of Adam. And he looks up. And somehow after a few drinks they sit together on a small table in the corner. Tracy and Rick are so sweet together. Tommys heart is aching because that's how he and Adam used to be. After a while of smalltalk they plan to make a tour together just over the island. They want to get a jeep in the next days. Tommy is happy to get some distraction for the next days. He will go back home in 3 days. It will be a nice thing to do to finish this vacation.

So he finds himself two days later sitting in the back of an open jeep, driving over the landside. And everything is so beautiful around him. They stop several times to enjoy the view. They see so many colours, Tommy can't get enough of it. And he takes pics to show the paradise to Adam. And once again he is thinking about how stupid he was and how that could be a vacation they could have enjoyed together. But because of his fears he is alone. And maybe there is no turning back. And he is sighing while he is watching over the green fields. Tracy hears that. And she walks over to him. „Are you ok?". Tommy looks up at her. „Huh?" She smiles. „Is something wrong with you?" Tommy doesn't want to talk about it with her. "I am ok. Just some things crossed my mind. Never mind." Tracy keeps her eyes on him. "Hey, you are here in paradise, no need to be sad. Come on, there are some more things to see." With that she walks back to the jeep. He smiles. She is right. He can't change anything now, he will have to wait until he is back home.

Tommy is not sure what he wants to do once he will get back home. A part of him just wants to see Adam and tell him everything. Make him come back, make him take Tommy back. But a huge part of him is sure, he is too late. Didn't Adam mention that he met somebody? Why should he even wait for Tommy? They didn't speak about the real reasons for their breakup. Tommy never gave Adam a chance to understand him. He sighs again while he gets back in the jeep.

After a short ride over the island they get to a ravine, where they want to tramp. There is a waterfall on the end of it. Tommy is not sure he has the right shoes for doing it, but he really wants to see the waterfall. They get out of the car and start walking towards the ravine. At the entrance Tommy looks up. The walls of the ravine are high and there is only a small space to walk through. Just enough for two people to walk side by side. But he can also see that after a few meters it becomes wider. They are getting deeper and depper in and after 10 minutes it opens up to a wide and bright plain. They look around and Tommy enjoys the feeling of fresh air.

To get to the waterfall they need to take a path to get up on the hill in front of them. The path is really narrow. But there is a rope they can use to get some hold. Tommy lets out a deep breath, because he hates hights. He is not sure, he can manage to climb on that hill. But he wants to try.

Slowly they start to climb up. Tommy is very careful, because the stones under his feet are slippery. His heart starts hammering in his chest when he looks over his shoulder just to see how high they already got. He really doesn't like to be that high. Maybe he should turn around and go back? He looks on the path in front of him just to see that Tracy and Rick are climbing further up. He breathes in and out to calm down. But seeing that the hill is higher then he first thought and seeing how far up he'd have to climb makes him feel sick.

He can't see Tracy and Rick anymore. But he wants to go back. He tries to turn around and then he slips over the stones under his feets and is trying desperately to find a hold. He catches the rope with his hands, but he can't stop himself from falling. And it's like he would watch himself falling. Everything is in slow motion. Suddenly he sees himself hanging over the cliff, the only thing providing him from falling down is the rope. He tries to get back on the path and sees Tracy and Rick coming back to see after him. They try to get to him climbing down the path as fast as they can. He is trying to get his hand on something to pull himself up. Now he is really afraid and he starts to fight. And the panic is taking over when he sees how the rope is breaking away and he is falling a few meters down the hill. Now he is hanging under the path and there is no possibility to get back. Only the rope is holding him.

His arms are getting tired and he is trying to get some hold under his feet, but there is nothing to get his feet on. The more he tries, the more the rope is breaking. The ground of the valley is looking up at him. And it's too high to just let go and hope to stay safe. He can't hear anything but his own blood speeding through his body. His heartbeat is fast, he could pass out just from this. But he is still hanging on the breaking rope. He is trying to find something else to hold to. But there is nothing. Then his arms are finally giving in and he lets go of the rope, and the only thing he can see is Adams face in front of him. And he is trying to reach out for Adams hand right before he hits the ground.

Then there is only darkness and pain around him.


	3. Chapter 3: I don't wanne be

**Without you I grow weaker**

_Since you've been gone  
>I shut my eyes<br>and I fantasize  
>that you're here with me<em>

_Will you ever return  
>I won't be satisfied<br>till you're by my side  
>don't wait any longer<em>

_Why don't you come back please hurry  
>why don't you come back please hurry<em>

_Come back and stay for good this time  
>come back and stay for good this time<em>

_**Paul Young, Come back and stay**_

**Chapter 3: I don't wanna be just your friend**

Adam is on his way to a date. He finally decided to give in and to meet that guy he got to know on a party. He is a friend of a friend of Brad or Danielle or whoever. He seems to be nice. He is not Tommy, but Adam needs to start dating again. He is about to leave his house when his mobile cell goes off. First he doesn't want to take the call but when he looks on the display he stops in his tracks. "Hey Dia!" He haven't talked to Tommys mother since months. Since he and Tommy visited her. Before Tommy left him. Before everything went wrong. „Hello Adam!" The sound in her voice makes him shiver. He goes back to his living room. „Is something with Tommy?" His voice is suddenly like a rasp. „Adam, I don't know. He wanted to get back from his holidays two days ago. And he is not back. And he doesn't answer his phone. Did you hear anything?" Her voice is full of worry. He wants to comfort her. „I am sure he is alright. He is sleeping in or something. Maybe he wanted to stay a bit longer?" His own mind is spinning now. He can hear that she is crying. "No, Adam. I can feel that something happend. And I don't know where he is." And he can feel it too. Something is wrong.

Adam sits down and drives his hand over his hair. "Dia, I will take care of this. I will call you back when I get to know something. Calm down. Everything will be ok." And she agrees and Adam quits the call. He is scared now. Something happend to Tommy. And it's for sure something bad. He tries to calm down to be able to think about whom he can call. Because he doesn't really know where Tommy went for his vacation. For a second he starts to feel bad about that. Then he shakes his head and calls Isaac. Tommy is living with Isaac since a couple of weeks. He has to know. Isaac tells Adam to come over to look in Tommys room to find the adress.

Now Adam is on the edge of a panic attack, because Tommy really didn't get back from the vacation. He is so lost in his thoughts, he doesn't even think about the date he wanted to go to. Isaac remainds him of the date when he gets to his place. "You wanted to go out tonight, didn't you?" First Adam is confused. But then he remembers. „Fuck! I have a date. I mean I wanted to meet this guy… I have to call him…" In his head is everything going round. He doesn't even remember the name of this guy. All he can think about is Tommy. He starts to read through his phone. And yes, there he is: Craig. He is tempted to just text, but then he decides to call Craig. Craig is sad. And somehow Adam knows they won't meet again. But it doesn't matter.

Isaac started to look around in Tommys room. Adam tries to calm down before he gets in the room. It's kind of hard, because he can smell Tommy in the room. It's hard to breathe. Isaac is looking over the papers on Tommys table, but there is nothing. They decide to turn Tommys computer on. He booked the hotel via internet. Adam tries not to look around in the room. He wasn't there until yet. And it hurts, because there seems to be nothing about their past. Not one picture. Like they never were an issue for Tommy. He bites the sadness away.

But then the computer turns on and he can see his own face as background. It's a pic Tommy took when they were on a trip together last year in Miami. Adam is smiling on the pic, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. And he looks so happy. Isaac tries to ignore the effect the picture is having on Adam and just goes through Tommys email account. He tries not to spy too much and he is lucky to find what he is looking for after watching a few mails. They print the adres and the phone numer out and Adam is already dailing.

The hotel manager is happy to speak with someone who knows Tommy. He can't say what actually is with Tommy. He just informs Adam that Tommy had an accident and that he is in a hospital. But he doesn't know how he is doing. He asks if someone will come to get Tommys stuff. And Adam promises to take care of it. He gets the number of the hospital and quits the call.

Isaac is looking at him. Adam is pale and his legs are shaking. "What happened?" Adam has to sit down. „He had an accident." Isaac is shocked. „What? How is he doing?" Adam feels tears burning in his eyes. "I don't know. I just... I have to call the hospital. Fuck! Why did this happen?" Now he is crying. Isaac sits beside him and hugs him. "He will be ok. I am sure he will be. Should I call the hospital?" Adam gives him the number and nods. He is not able to talk to anybody now.

Isaac is already dailing. Adam is rocking back and forward on the bed, not able to stop his body from shaking. He is watching Issac, but he can't hear anything he says. He is just thinking about the last time he saw Tommy. It was at the studio before he left for holidays. And Adam remembers how sad he was, how much his heart was longing for taking Tommy in his arms. Just to have him back. And he wanted so badly to talk to Tommy about them. But he was too afraid to do, because they wanted to be friends. And he had to forget about them as a couple. He had to get over the love he felt for Tommy.

He is pulled out of his thoughts when Isaac is back on his side. "What did they say? Is he ok?" Isaac shakes his head. „No, he is not ok. He is comatose. They didn't tell me details over the phone. But it seems to be serious." They hug each other tight and cry together.

Adam is able to calm down and to make some calls to arrange a flight for Dia to get to Tommy. He talks with some doctors in the hospital to find out that Tommy is strong enough to be able to flight back to LA. He arranges the transport and a room in a private hospital. He is doing everything almost automatically. Just to stop himself from thinking about how bad things are. They don't really know what happend and how bad Tommys injuries are. The hospital couldn't tell them on the phone. Some hospital policy.

Adam wanted so badly to fly to get Tommy by himself. But Lane convinced him to stay in LA. There would have been paparazzi or fans on the airport and then the whole world would know that something happened. And they wanted to get Tommy back and know he is safe before talking to other people.

Now that everything was prepared, Adam felt the breakdown coming. But right before he could fall apart, someone rang his door bell. He was happy to see Brad and Danielle. They hugged together for a few minutes. Adam felt tears coming back. Then they were drinking some coctails and waiting. Waiting to hear something new.

Dia was back with Tommy the next day. Adam and some friends were on their way to visit him. Dia was waiting. She said that Tommy had a concussion. That was the reason he didn't wake up. He had also some broken ribs, a broken leg and was covered in bruises. But he was lucky. He could have died. Adam tried to push that thought far away. They were not allowed to go to Tommy together. The doctors said that only two persons could visit him that night. The others had to wait until tomorrow.

Adam decided to let Isaac and Tommys sister go in. He wanted to come back tomorrow. He was not with Tommy anymore. He had no right to see him before the others did. He gently pushed Isaac toward the door as Isaac suggested that Adam should go in. "Just tell him that I will come back." He smiled weakly.

The next days Tommy doesn't get better. He is still comatous. Adam decided to stay away until Tommy would get better. He is still thinking that he has no right to visit Tommy. He even thinks he would disturb the family. It hurts him that he is just a friend. He wishes things would be different. But he is willing to accept that there is just a friendship between them.

He is really surprised when Dia comes over to talk to him. She takes his hand and looks in his eyes. "Adam, why don't you come to see Tommy?" Adam sighs. „That is not my place to be. Not anymore. I want to give you and Tommy space. I have to respect that we are not together anymore." Dia caresses his cheek. "Adam, don't be stupid. I know that you and Tommy have lost each other on your way. But he is still your friend and you are very important for him. I don't know where you two will end up. But I am sure he would want you to visit him. And it's also my wish too. Adam, you helped him so much. You deserve to see him. Don't make yourself unhappy." Adam nods. „Ok, I will go to see him. I will. Thank you. He means a lot to me. I …" He stops and Dia nods. „I know. I think he loves you too." She pulls him in a hug. "You will see, he will come back to us. He will be alright."

Tommy feels like he would be in a dream. Like he would be flying. Everything around him is too bright and too clear to see anything. The pain is burning deep in his body. But it feels like it would be not real. Like a distant memory. And he wants to cry, because that feeling is scary. And he tries to focus to find out where he is. But he can't open his eyes. His eyelids are heavy. And he is too tired to open them. He has the feeling that he is laying here like this since days, maybe even since weeks. He can't say. But after an eternety he starts to hear voices. They are talking to him. He can hear his mum. She is crying sometimes. But most of the time she is telling him some stories out of his life. It makes him smile inside. Her voice is like a pull towards his life again. Put the pull is not strong enough, or maybe he is just not ready to get back.

Then there are other voices. His sister. Mia. Isaac. Some cousins. And over and over again his mother. After a while he gets that he is in a hospital. Obviously the shoes were not good enough and he really fell down that fucking hill. He was not sure if this was just a dream. But now he knew, it was real.

He was happy to hear them all. But he kept asking himself where Adam was. Why didn't he hear Adams voice. Adam was the one he wanted to hear. But he was not there. Tommy was sad and hurt. He couldn't blame Adam for not visiting him. He just hoped that he would come even if they were not together. Because Tommy wanted to baldy to hear Adams voice again. He needed to hear him. He hoped so much Adam would pull him out of this emptiness.

And then Adam is there. He can hear his voice. First there is also his mum and Adam is talking to her. Tommy can hear how broken Adams voice is. He is trying to let Adam know that he is here. He is trying to get out of this dream. But he is not strong enough. He tries to focus on Adam. And he can hear that they are alone now. Adam is talking to him. Tommy can hear the love in Adams voice. And he wishes he could wake up and tell Adam everything he was thinking about when he was on vacation. Then he can feel that Adam is touching him. For the first time since he is caught in this bright world he feels a touch. And it makes him want to cry. Adam is just holding his hand and this is like a connection. Like a string he could use to come back. But not yet. Not yet. He needs time. And rest.

Adam is sitting on Tommys side. Like every night the whole week through. And he is holding his hand. He is singing every song that somes to his mind. Over and over again. And he tells Tommy some silly stuff out of their lifes. And he is crying and hoping and begging. He is begging Tommy to come back. And he promises to be a better friend. He wants to accept that they are friends. Tommy just needs to come back.

This night Isaac comes around to see Tommy. He is smiling while he is watching Adam sitting on Tommys bed through the window. Then he gets in the room. Adam looks up and his eyes are so tired and sad. "Hey! When did you sleep the last time, Adam?" Adam smiles weakly. „When I am honest, I haven't really slept since weeks. I try to catch some sleep in the morning, when I go home." Isaac pads his shoulder. "You are still in love with him, aren't you?" Adam looks back at Tommy. „I never stopped being in love with him. How could I? He is everything I ever wanted. But I can be just a friend. If this is what it's ment to be. If this is what he wants." Isaac sits down taking the next available chair. "Listen, Adam. I just don't know if this accident will change anything. Tommy was sad the last months. He was not happy. But I don't know if it was because of you. I really don't know. He didn't talk to me about you. I stopped asking." Adam nodded. „I just don't want you to think that you two will be back together after he will wake up. Because this might be a hopeless dream. I don't want you to get hurt." Adam sighed. „Isaac, I am here not because I hope to be back together with him. I just want to be here for him. To help him to come back. That's all. I just want him to wake up." „Yeah, that's what we all want to." Isaac squeezed Adams arm. "And now, go home and sleep. You won't help anyone when you will break down."

Tommy feels like dying listening to Adam. Adam was giving them up. He had to wake up soon. Adam must know that Tommy is also still in love with him. He doesn't want to be a friend. He wants to be with Adam. And he is feeling so sorry that he hurt Adam. He is angry about himself and can't understand how stupid he was. That he let Adam slip away.

He was fighting against the tireness his body was laying in while he was listening to Adam and Isaac. He was fighting to find a way out of the nightmare he was in. There has to be a way to get back to life. To get back to Adam. He needs to wake up now. He can't wait any longer. He can't lose Adam. There is no way.

He can feel his body fighting against his will to wake up. He listens how Adam is saying goodbye to Isaac. He fights more and more. Struggling against the coma he is in. Fighting against the brightness sorrounding him. He needs to find a way back. He has to pull himself back to life. And Adam is all he needs to be able to get back. He just needs to believe in Adam. Adam loves him. There is a chance for them.

And he is pulling on all the strings which connect him with his life. He wants to wake up. "Adam…" is the first word he manages to whisper before he falls in a welcomed darkness. The bright light is gone.

"Adam..." is everything he needs to hear to stop him from going out of the door. He turns around to look at Tommy. And he can see the monitors start to blink with a faster heart rate. And he walks back to Tommy and takes his hand. "Tommy, come back. It's time, it's time!" And then everything is turning around them so fast. Nurses and doctors are coming in. They send them out of the room. And after a few minutes they get the news, that Tommy is waking up. He might need some hours to be completely back, but he is waking up. Isaac and Adam are standing there in shock and then they are hugging and jumping around in happiness. "I have to call his mom." Isaac pulls away.

Adam goes back to Tommy. He can see the change on the monitor and he can feel tears in his eyes. He bows his head to Tommys face and whispers: "Baby, come back, come back to me. I need you so much." And he doesn't care that Tommy might hear it. And he is not afraid that his words don't sound like something a friend would say to another. He doesn't give a fuck. Because it's too late for regrets and he is too tired to pretend. So he kisses Tommys cheek and whispers. "Come back, because I love you." And then he sits down on the chair and waits for Tommy to wake up.

Tommy tries so hard to open his eyes. It's like his body forgot how to do this one simple action. Like they were closed for too long. He is longing so much to look at Adam. He knows Adam is still on his side. Since hours. He must fallen asleep, because all Tommy is hearing is his breath. He heard everything Adam said. He needs to get back to life to tell Adam that he loves him too. To fix what he destroyed between them.

He clenches his fists and tries harder to open his eyes. His body starts to shake from the affort. But finally he can feel the lids moving up slowly. He has to blink a few times. Even after that the vision is blurry. He looks around, only moving his eyes. His mouth is dry, he can't speak. He licks over his lips. Then he forces his eyes to focus more. Finally he can see the details around him. He is laying on a bed. On his left side is a monitor showing his heart rate. He can also see that there is infusion connected with his arm. He is now able to focus his eyes so he can see the drops falling down.

He turns slowly his head around. It's aching. He feels like he has to remind his body how to move. Maybe it is really like that. Finally he is looking to his left. And there is Adam. He can't see his face, because Adams head is laying on his bed, next to Tommys right hand. But the little he can see, is enough to make his heart jump in his chest.

He wants to call out for him, but his throat is dry and no words want to come out. So he puts all the strength he has left in his body to move his hand. He watches his fingers start to move. He stratches them, one by one, feeling like life is coming back to them. Like he would bring his blood back to his fingertips. It hurts and he can feel every bone, every fiber moving. After a few moments he is able to move the hand forward. It's just a little space he has to cross to get to Adam. But with his partly numb fingers it seems like he has to cross a continent. Finally he is there. His fingers borrow into Adams hair. And the feeling of the soft strands of hair slipping through them makes Tommy cry. He is alive and Adam is here. He starts to caress over Adams scalp. It's like he was never more alive than in this moment.

After a while he can feel Adam stir under his hand. He continues to play with Adams hair. And Adam is coming back from his sleep slowly. Suddendly his head snaps up and he looks with wide opened eyes at Tommy. Tommy has to smile about the surprise in Adams eyes. They look at each other for a while, not able to do anything else. Then Adam gets up and takes Tommys hand. "Oh my god, Tommy! You are back, you are back." Tommy can see tears forming in Adams eyes, but all he can do is smile at him and sqeeze his hand. Then out of nowhere there is a nurse and a doctor there. And his mum. And Adam steps back letting his hand go. Tommys heart is aching at the loss of the contact, but he has no chance to do anything about it because he is now the center of the interest of the doctor.

Adam and his mum have to leave the room until the doctor will finish his examination. Tommy doesn't want Adam to go, but he can't say anything. So he is just looking over to see Adam going out the door. Adam turns around before closing the door and he gives Tommy a shiny smile through the tears still running down his cheeks. Then he is gone.

Adam calls everybody who wanted to know when Tommy will wake up. They are allowed to visit him in the afternoon. Adam is watching Tommy as soon as they are all in the room. Everybody is greeting Tommy. There are hugs and kisses. Adam is happy that Tommy is finally back. But he knows that he has no right to get more time with Tommy than anybody else. He reminds himself that he is just a friend, even if his heart is aching to take Tommy in his arms and to kiss him. But he doesn't. He stays in the distence leaning against the wall while he is watching Tommy.

Finally he decides to leave for a few minutes to get some fresh air, to clear his mind. He steps out of the room and goes around to a small balcony. He steps out and takes a deep breath. "It's hard for you, isn't it?" He is almost jumping at the voice. He turns to the left to see Monte sitting on a chair out on the balcony. He smiles at Monte. "Monte, I am ok. He is back, that is all that matters. It's just a little overwhelming to see him. I was so afraid he wouldn't make it." Monte gets up and hugs Adam. "He will be ok, he just need some time to get his body together." Adam nods. "I know." He wipes the tears away he didn't even notice he was crying. "I am so tired Monte. Exhausted. Empty. And it's kind of hard to see him and not to be allowed to be.. you know... with him. I didn't think it would be that hard." Adam sighs.

Monte pats his back. „I know. But maybe…" Adam shakes his head. "No, Monte. We are friends now. I have to give the dream up and move on. I will go back to him and say goodbye. I need to sleep. Maybe now that he is better, I can finally sleep."

Adam turns around and walks to Tommys room. When he gets in, there is nobody there. They left. Tommy is laying in his bed, his eyes are closed. Adam is just watching Tommy for a while and he lets the love he feels for Tommy overfload him. He can't avoid the smile to cross his face when Tommy licks over his lips and turns around with a smack. It reminds Adam how it was like to sleep in a bed with Tommy. He resists the urge to touch Tommy and leaves the room.


	4. Chapter 4: Take me back!

**Without you I grow weaker**

_Don't leave me in all this pain.  
>Don't leave me out in the rain.<br>Come back and bring back my smile.  
>Come and take these tears away.<br>I need your arms to hold me now!  
>The nights are so unkind.<br>Bring back those nights when I held you beside me_

_**Tony Braxton, Unbreak my heart**_

**Chapter 4: Take me back!**

Tommy is getting better, day by day. His body is getting stronger and the injuries are soon gone. After another 3 weeks he is allowed to leave the hospital. Adam was just a few times during daytime there. Tommy didn't know about the hours Adam spend at night watching him sleeping through the window. Nobody knows about that. Adam and Tommy never had the time to be alone. There was always someone with Adam. Like he would try to avoid seeing Tommy alone. To be honest Tommy felt like Adam was avoiding him. It hurt him. He had to do something.

He called Isaac to get him from the hospital. Isaac shows up with Monte. They decide to take Tommy to a restaurant to get something good to eat after weeks of hospital food. When they step out of the hospital it's like Tommy could finally breathe again. They talk about the tour. They want to start the preparation in two weeks. And it's so easy how the talk leads them towards Adam. Monte is laughing while he talks about the crazy ideas Adam has. Then he stops laughing when he looks at Tommy. Tommys is lost in thoughts.

"Tommy, you should talk to him. It's not too late." Tommy nods. „I know. But he is avoiding me. He was hardly visiting me. And we never really had the possibility to talk alone." Monte smiles at him. "He is afraid. He thinks that you both are just friends. That you are over him. And that he should move on too." Tommy looks at Monte. "He is wrong. He should know, that it's not like that." Monte moves closer to Tommy. „But how is he to know that? Did you tell him?" Tommy shakes his head. „See, he doesn't know. That's why you should talk to him."

Tommy nods and puts the last bite of his tacco in his mouth. He knows Monte is right. He has to do something soon.

The door bell is ringing through the house over and over again. Adam is stumbling out of his bathroom. "I'm coming, just a second!" His hair is wet and he pulls a shirt and some sweatpants on while he is walking towards the door. He is leaving a trace of water drops all over the floor. The bell doesn't stop to ring. He pulls the door open an angry curse about to leave his lips, when he sees Tommy in front of him. And Tommy is alone. And Adam is alone. And Tommy doesn't waste any second to get in the house. He is pushing Adam to close the door and there they are.

"Tommy, I didn't know..." Adam starts, but Tommy interrupts him. "Yeah I left the hospital in the morning. I think we should talk." He pulls his jacket off, trying his best to ignore the fact that the shirt on Adams body is soaked with water and is showing the shape of Adams chest. Adam clears his throat. „What do you think we have to talk about?" He turns around to get in the kitchen. Tommy let his eyes wander over Adams back and his ass. He is distracted enought to almost forget to answer.

"We should talk about us. I think I owe you an explanation." Adam stops to turn back to Tommy. "No, you don't owe me anything Tommy." Tommy can see that Adam is struggling to stay calm. He knows him so good. It almost makes him smile. „Adam, I think I do. And I can't go on as long as those things are still between us." Adam sighs and nods. "Ok. But I need something to drink. Do you want a beer?" Tommy shakes his head. "No, I don't think my medicine will work well with alcohol." He is grinning and Adam smiles back.

They end up on Adams couch. Adam fingers clench around his glass. He can't look up and Tommys hands are aching to pull him in a hug. But he resists. It would be too soon. „Adam I just wanted to explain you some things, I was thinking about while I was on my vacation." He takes a deep breath and starts to tell Adam about his feelings when they were together. About how stupid his fears were and how sorry he is, that he broke up with him. He tells him everything. And Adam is listening while he is sipping on his water.

After a while Tommy looks up and takes one of Adams hands. He can feel him shaking. He starts to carress over the back of Adams hand in small circles. "I am sorry, I hurt you. I hurt us both. I was just so lost in my fears. But finally I found out I was afraid to admit that you are the one. I mean it scared me that my search was over and I didn't realize it. And that's why I pushed you away. But now I know, there is no getting over you. And I just... I want you to take me back. Can you forgive me? Can you take me back?"

The following silance is killing him. Then Adam looks at him with an unreadable look on his face. „Tommy, I don't know if we should be together. I don't want to lose you again. And I am afraid that you want to come back because you are grateful. That you don't want to come back because you love me. I mean you were for days in coma. I could understand that you think you want to be with me. But I don't think that you really want it. I don't think that you are able to decide this after all what happend. I am still the same man I was six months ago and my life is as crazy as it was when you left me. I don't think you want to go back to that." Adams voice was sad. Tommys heart was aching.

"Adam, I know how much I hurt you. But I am serious about it. I am serious about us. I want to be with you. It's not just out of a habbit or something like that. I really do want to be with you. I love you." Tommy is squeezing Adams hand. "Tommy, don't do that. Don't make me fall for you again. Don't hurt me again. I don't think I can take it." And now there are tears in Adams eyes. "Adam..." Tommy reaches out to touch Adams cheek and Adam pulls away from him. "Tommy, I just... can you go please?" Tommy gets up and nods. "I do anything you want. But be sure, I won't give you up. I will prove my love for you is real." He wants so bad to take Adam in his arms, but when he tries to steps closer, Adam is backing away.

Tommy turns around. He knows he has to go now. He is just hoping he will be allowed to come back. To show Adam how he feels about him. He has to know that Tommy is true about it. He doesn't turn around as he gets out of the door. It's just to hard to see Adam like that.

Adam breaks down the minute the door is closing behind Tommy. He falls down on his knees and cries. Why didn't he just take what Tommy had to give? Tommy had a hard time and yeah there is a possibilty that his feelings aren't true. That they are a result of gratitute because he survived and Adam helped him. But maybe... No, Adam is not able to take a risk on that. He knows he can't take a little piece of Tommy and enjoy it while it lasts. Because he knows there can be only all or nothing. Because he won't survive when Tommy would leave him again.

Tommy is sitting alone in his room, thinking about Adam. Thinking about how to get him back. How could he prove that he was honest, that his love was real. That he decided that he wanted to go back before the accident happened. He has to do something. He is yearning for Adam. He turns around to lay down on his bed when he hears a knock on his door. "Come in!" Isaac gets in his room with a small package in his hand. "Tommy there is something for you. Your mum brought it with the stuff she has got from the hotel. I didn't know if you wanted him to get it. So I kept it and then I forgot about it. Sorry!" Tommy is confused. But then Isaac hands him the package and he remembers. "Thank you Isaac! You are ma savior! Thank you!" Tommy jumps up and hugs Isaac while he is jumping around him. "It's always a pleasure to help you out, Tommy." Isaac looks at him like he had lost his mind. Tommy is smiling widly and then he kisses Isaac with a loud smack right on his mouth.

Adam gets back to his house in the evening. The day was long and he is tired. And the rain that set in one hour ago isn't really helping to feel better. He just wants to take a bath and go to sleep. The rain is getting stronger and he can feel the drops running down his neck. He steps in his porch and shakes his head like a dog when his eyes stop on a small package leaning against the door. He starts wondering how a fan did get this far without beeing stopped when he sees the name of the sender, "Tommy Joe". His heart starts beating faster and he tries hard to catch a breath. He takes the package and gets in the house.

He turns the lights on while he is taking off the wet jacket and his boots. The whole time he is holding the package in his hand. Then he sits down on his couch and looks down on the package. Unable to open it, he is just looking down on the letters on it. After a while he starts to shiver because of the wet shirt. But he can't decide to get up to change. Finally he is ready to open the package.

In the package is a necklace and a letter. He pulls the necklace out. It's a silver chain with a pendant in shape of the infinity sign. It's beautiful. He puts it on the table and takes the letter out of the package. He opens the envelope and takes the paper out. It's a handwritten letter and for a second he tries to rememeber when he got the last one. Then he starts to read it.

_Dear Adam! _

_I know that you might be surprised to get this letter from me. I am sitting here on my hotel balcony enjoying the beautiful view. The place is just amazing. But all I can think is how badly I wish you were here. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and take back the words which broke your heart. I was so wrong with everything I said. And so stupid. _

_I let strangers pull me away from you. I let hate get to me and I stopped believing in us. _

_You were always the one I wanted to be with. You still are. I am so scared that I lost you forever. Because living without you is something I can't face. I don't want to be without you. And I don't want to be just a friend. It's not enough. And it hurts. _

_When I left you, I left my heart behind. I can't really undersand now why I acted like that then. I miss you so much, it's killing me. And I am so afraid you moved on and I can't blame you if you did. You deserve to be happy. Because you are just perfect. I am still hoping that you are just perfect for me. That you feel the same for me. Fuck, I just want to know if there is a chance? _

_I would do anything you want to get back to you. Anything. _

_I feel incomplete without you. And I don't care if I sound pathetic or sappy. I just want you to take me back. _

_Please, take me back! _

_I just want you to know that I love you more than anything else. _

_I hope I will be brave enough to give that letter to you. I'll be back soon. Then I will decide about it. Hell, I hope I can make it! _

_Now, I will go on a trip with some people I met here. We want to see some badass waterfall. I hope it will be worth the affort to get there. _

_See you soon! _

_TJ_

Adam lets the hand with the letter sink. He lets his head fall back. Tears are rolling down his cheeks. He can't believe what he just read. Tommy wanted to get back with him because of him. Not because of the accident. Not because he was grateful. He loved him.

_Please take me back!_

Those words are spinning around in Adams head. And he wanted nothing more than that. He wanted to have Tommy back with him. So he could breathe again. So he could live again. Because after Tommy left he was just existing.

He gets up, grabs his jacket, puts his boots on and he runs out of his house. He doesn't care that the rain is now like a cloudburst. He just has to get to Tommy. He wasted enough time. They wasted enough time.

He rushes over to his car. The rain is faling down on him. He is soaked to the bones after walking the few meters. And then he is running in someone and he gasps in surprise. "Sorry, I didn't see you." He wants to walk on just when the person stops him with a simple "Adam, wait." He turns around. "Tommy, what are you doing here?" He steps closer. "You are completely wet, you shouldn't be out here!" Tommy smiles at him. "I was waiting for you. I just wanted to be here in case you want to see me. And by the way: you are also wet." He is grinning at Adam. And Adam can't help himself. He cups Tommys face with his big hands and kisses him deeply. And Tommy melts against him with a sigh. They kiss in the pouring rain for a few minutes.

Then Adam pulls away. "We have to go in the house. Tommy, you just survived an accident. You have to be careful." Adam takes Tommys hand and pulls him towards the house. Tommy can't stop himself from saying: "I am sure you will take good care of me!" And Adam is laughing against the rain.

They are standing in the hallway. Rain is dripping down their clothes into the floor. They stare in each other eyes. Tommy feels like he would wake up from a nightmare. And he is sure he sees the same thought in Adams eyes. He steps closer to Adam. A drop falls from Adams hair on his cheek and is running down to his lips. Tommy is watching while the drop is leaving a wet track on Adams face. And then there are more drops. And Tommy begins to wonder if it's just the rain or if there are tears as well. And he reaches his fingers out to follow the tracks of the drops over Adams face. Over Adams cheeks, his nose, his lips. That's when Adams starts to shiver.

Tommy clears his throat. "I think we should get out of the wet clothes?" Adam just sighs: "Yes, please." Tommy can't stop the grin spreading across his face. He takes one step back and starts to take his boots off. After the boots he takes of his socks. Adam doesn't move. Tommy bites a smile away while he starts to take of his jacket. He lets it fall to the floor. It hits the floor with a bang. Adams snaps back to reality and starts to take his own jacket off. After that he tries to get out of his boots, but he has to look away from Tommy to open them.

When he finally looks back, Tommy managed to take his shirt of and is slowly working on his jeans zipper. Again Adam has to stop and let his eyes wonder over Tommy. He is not able to move while he is watching over Tommys arms and his chest. He knows that body so well. He loves that body. Every little piece of it. Tommy lets his jeans fall to the floor and Adam can't stop a moan from leaving his mouth because... "Holy fuck Tommy! No briefs today?" He is just gasping those words out. And Tommy just shrugs while he steps out of the jeans. "I have to do my laundry?" Naked as he is he steps closer to Adam.

Adam still isn't able to move. Tommy starts to undress him. He takes Adams shirt off. Then he opens Adams jeans. He pushes his hands just under the waistband and pushes the jeans down. Adams lets out another gasp while Tommy cups his ass. Tommy is smiling. When the jeans hits the floor and Adam is just standing there in his black briefs, Tommy takes his hand to lead him towords the bathroom. "I think we both can use some hot water to warm up." Adam follows him like he would be in trance.

Then they are in the shower. Aam lost his briefs somewhere on their way, who cares where. The water is running over their cold bodies while they start to explore each other with clumsy hands. It should be easier to follow the lines. They know each other so well. Their bodies remember how good they fit together. And still there is something that makes them feel like this would be their first time. But as soon as Adam pulls Tommy close and their cocks slide together there is no holding back anymore. They are kissing like there would be no tomorrow. Tongues are fighting a battle while their hands run over their bodies. All wet and hot under the water. And then there are hands between them. And they stroke together towards a fast release. Unable to stop, unable to think. Just the feeling of need and hunger. And then it's over and they are leaning against each other, panting and trying to come down.

Adam is the first able to speak. "Sorry, I couldn't stop myself." Tommy looks up at him and is just grinning. "Dito." Then he takes the shower gel and starts to wash Adams body. Adam takes the hint and is washing Tommy as well. They step out of the shower and Adam is back in control. He pulls Tommy with him towards the bedroom. Not realls caring that they are wet. On his way he gets a big towel and starts to dry them together as soon as they enter the bedroom. They stumble over to the bed and Tommy can feel how he is falling. He lands on his back on the bed and Adam crawls up to him.

"Should we talk?" Adam is asking while his body comes down to lay on Tommy. Tommy has to laugh. "You think I am able to talk while your gorgeous body is laying on me?" Adam is laughing back. "I love you, Tommy Joe! I think it's all I have to say right now." Right before their lips meet, Tommy is breathing "I love you too." Then there are no more words for a while. They will have talk afterwards.

This time there is no hurry in their movements. Slowly they take back what seemed to be lost forever. It's like the carresses, kisses and licks take all the pain away they went through the last months. And even when they know each other so well, there is something new between them. Like they their hands and mouths would run over lost memories and build new ones. Better ones. And when their bodies are finally joined together, they know that they won't ever be apart again. They never really were. And the passion takes them away and everything is just right.

Afterwards Tommy is laying with his head on Adams chest, Adam is holding his hand. Tommy looks up and he can see that Adam is trying his best to stay awake. He has to smile. He gets a little up to look down on Adams face. He leans down and kisses Adam. It's nothing sexual about that kiss, just pure love. "Sleep my love. We can talk about anything you want tomorrow. I will be here. I won't ever go away." And this seems to be what Adam needs to hear. He closes his eyes with a sigh and pulls Tommy closer to his own body. After a few moments he is asleep. Tommy closes his eyes and while he falls asleep he can't stop to smile.


End file.
